ok i’m sorry i’m done goodnight
petition for me to delete this blog and stop being a whiny piss baby
honestly if i didn’t have a blog like this i would just never ever talk about my feelings ever
i have so many amazing friends and so many good people around me why do i feel so incredibly empty and alone all the time
i wish i was actually heartless instead of it just being a front because i am too afraid to feel things lmao
who am i kidding tho like who wants to hook up with me anyway!!!!! who would want to fall asleep next to me!!!!!! no one because i am the worst in every way!!!!!!! this night was so good and now i feel shitty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is literally the exact opposite of the kind of person i want to be but here i am making a fucking tumblr post about how i would like just one fucking night where i didn’t have to fall asleep alone and i wish i could convince myself that needing physical connections with others is not a sign of weakness
here is the thing the thing is that i am very very good at keeping myself from getting a person that i want (in terms of a person to hook up with) because i force myself to do what is right as opposed to what i want which is really good generally but also i would like to be able to allow myself to make a questionable decision!! make out with someone just because i can!! be a person who doesn’t push literally everyone away and allows myself to have fun every once in a while??? i so crave any kind of even remotely romantic interaction with other people i am just completely unable to make that happen unless i am drunk and even then i have to do a lot of self convincing that the world is not going to end
i am literally so happy about this one dumb stupid thing!!! which is a thing that i should just be doing anyway!!!! you know getting my work done on time and properly. i know that i have like ~*~extenuating circumstances~*~ or w/e but that mostly just makes me feel stupid. who cares tho i guess i’m gonna enjoy this small victory no matter how dumb it sounds
i am so lonely like really fucking lonely all the time but the thought of letting people get close to me is so!!!! terrifying!!!!!!!!!